"Is your website optimized? No? My God, man, don't you know much money you will lose within the next five minutes? Trust me, it's substantial. I mean, are you targeting the crucial vampire-tween demographic? Do you know how much obscenely disposable income those kids have? Seriously, all of it could be yours--and all you have to to is add hepa yo juju and fubar gabba gabba hey to your site, then wait six months, and then we'll be able to see if your business will stomp all online competition or fail miserably, only to be remembered as a cruel internet meme. Come on! Sign my contract! Show me your guts! DO IT!!"